Since my rather unceremonious plop back into the blogging world a few days ago, I’ve been pondering the direction of this blog.
I no longer have angst-ridden conversion anxiety to write about.
I’m so completely not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination. Give me wine, give me Rumi, give me the Doctor, give me. . .other things. I enjoy discussing theology. But I really don’t think I’m equipped to handle any deep theological issues on this blog. Like, really. At all.
I’m not a mom, I’m not a wife, I’m not really wanting to become either of these anytime soon. While some of my favorite blogs are by moms and wives, I really don’t have anything to bring to that end of the table. I have some pretty fabulous nanny stories to share, but I can’t because of privacy concerns. (Side note: this is why I should actually get married even though I’m kind of against the idea right now. It’d be totally okay to embarrass my OWN four-year-old).
I have so much I want to write about, and while Catholicism is a part of who I am that will never, ever leave – it’s not the only part of me. I want to share the rest with you, too. Because I think you’re wonderful, and I’m rather thankful you’ve been along on this ride with me.
I think I’m having a knee-jerk reaction against being assimilated into a group think. Yes, I’m paranoid. We’ve discussed this already. My identity was so wrapped up in my church, my praise team, my pastor’s kid status – all of it. Part of the beauty of the conversion experience has been shedding that identity, being stripped down to the core of who I am and finding the real Kassie. Not, the Kassie behind the keyboard on the platform/sitting on the front row with the rest of the family. But the Kassie that loves wine (have I mentioned that already?), wears shorts and isn’t condemned to a life of lasciviousness, accepts first-date invitations on a whim, travels and writes and is okay with not believing in One True Love, loves getting dressed up and going to early morning Mass by herself, has The Killers, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Nirvana circulating with Gregorian chant and Anglican mass settings on her iPhone, the Kassie that isn’t ready to give up on dance after all, that wants China babies and maybe not a husband to go with them.
In finding Catholicism I’ve found myself. And not just in the theology – but in the rest of my life, too. And part of me is irrationally afraid of finding myself locked into another identity again. And it would not in any way be the Church’s fault – all blame for that would land squarely on my shoulders. But I can’t shake the 13-year-old church girl that starts screaming every time people accuse me of not talking about Church enough – “There’s more to me than this, I have value outside of the praise team, I’m a pretty cool person even when the church doors are closed”. They’re issues I dealt with on the far side of the Tiber, and I’m dealing with them still.
I know there are more than a few parts of me that must be changed – I abhor the “It’s just part of who I am, deal with it.” excuse offered for completely unacceptable behaviors. But – in a completely non-conceited way – I kind of like the Kassie I’ve found over the last year.
I know this sounds crazy and touchy-feely-existential, but I hope it makes sense.
So, I’ve decided I’m just going to blog about my life. Obviously Catholicism is a central part of who I am – so don’t worry guys, this isn’t about to turn into a blog all about wine and poetry and men – but I’m facing my lingering church demons and embracing the fact that my life doesn’t have to fit into neat little compartments. There doesn’t have to be a “church” me and a “work” me and a “friend” me. Integrated and healthy and whole, I want that. You, my lovely followers, have been “safe people” for me, and I’m so grateful for each of you. I’d love it if you came along for the ride.