8 Ball.

7 Aug

Since my rather unceremonious plop back into the blogging world a few days ago, I’ve been pondering the direction of this blog.

I no longer have angst-ridden conversion anxiety to write about.

I’m so completely not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination. Give me wine, give me Rumi, give me the Doctor, give me. . .other things. I enjoy discussing theology. But I really don’t think I’m equipped to handle any deep theological issues on this blog. Like, really. At all.

I’m not a mom, I’m not a wife, I’m not really wanting to become either of these anytime soon. While some of my favorite blogs are by moms and wives, I really don’t have anything to bring to that end of the table. I have some pretty fabulous nanny stories to share, but I can’t because of privacy concerns. (Side note: this is why I should actually get married even though I’m kind of against the idea right now. It’d be totally okay to embarrass my OWN four-year-old).

I have so much I want to write about, and while Catholicism is a part of who I am that will never, ever leave – it’s not the only part of me. I want to share the rest with you, too. Because I think you’re wonderful, and I’m rather thankful you’ve been along on this ride with me.

I think I’m having a knee-jerk reaction against being assimilated into a group think. Yes, I’m paranoid. We’ve discussed this already. My identity was so wrapped up in my church, my praise team, my pastor’s kid status – all of it. Part of the beauty of the conversion experience has been shedding that identity, being stripped down to the core of who I am and finding the real Kassie. Not, the Kassie behind the keyboard on the platform/sitting on the front row with the rest of the family. But the Kassie that loves wine (have I mentioned that already?), wears shorts and isn’t condemned to a life of lasciviousness, accepts first-date invitations on a whim, travels and writes and is okay with not believing in One True Love, loves getting dressed up and going to early morning Mass by herself, has The Killers, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Nirvana circulating with Gregorian chant and Anglican mass settings on her iPhone, the Kassie that isn’t ready to give up on dance after all, that wants China babies and maybe not a husband to go with them.

In finding Catholicism I’ve found myself. And not just in the theology – but in the rest of my life, too. And part of me is irrationally afraid of finding myself locked into another identity again. And it would not in any way be the Church’s fault – all blame for that would land squarely on my shoulders. But I can’t shake the 13-year-old church girl that starts screaming every time people accuse me of not talking about Church enough – “There’s more to me than this, I have value outside of the praise team, I’m a pretty cool person even when the church doors are closed”. They’re issues I dealt with on the far side of the Tiber, and I’m dealing with them still.

I know there are more than a few parts of me that must be changed – I abhor the “It’s just part of who I am, deal with it.” excuse offered for completely unacceptable behaviors. But – in a completely non-conceited way – I kind of like the Kassie I’ve found over the last year.

I know this sounds crazy and touchy-feely-existential, but I hope it makes sense.

So, I’ve decided I’m just going to blog about my life. Obviously Catholicism is a central part of who I am – so don’t worry guys, this isn’t about to turn into a blog all about wine and poetry and men – but I’m facing my lingering church demons and embracing the fact that my life doesn’t have to fit into neat little compartments. There doesn’t have to be a “church” me and a “work” me and a “friend” me. Integrated and healthy and whole, I want that. You, my lovely followers, have been “safe people” for me, and I’m so grateful for each of you. I’d love it if you came along for the ride.

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13 Responses to “8 Ball.”

  1. Emily August 7, 2011 at 6:16 pm #

    You are so awesome. I’m glad we’ve become internet friends.

  2. jen August 7, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

    i’d only expect you to blog about who you truly are.

    and seriously, i so get the part about how you’re a totally cool person even when the church doors are closed. 🙂

  3. Melanie B August 7, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    By all means blog about wine and poetry and men. And faith and shoes and ships and sealing wax. I love the no compartments. I often have weird blog identity crises which always resolve themselves by me remembering that my life isn’t neat compartments. Sometimes faith takes center stage, sometimes the kids, sometimes books, sometimes photos of flowers, sometimes food. I reserve the right to be inconsistent and unpredictable and to not care a fig what any of my readers thinks about me and my blog. So should you.

  4. K.L.B. August 8, 2011 at 1:08 am #

    Freedom is nice, isn’t it? Not quite sure what else to say… other than I kinda’ understand how you feel.

  5. Christina August 8, 2011 at 8:23 am #

    Yay! This means you’re a person! I’m enjoying your recent posts, so keep it up 🙂

  6. Kathleen August 8, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    Integrated and whole–that’s precisely what I think is so important, and I’m sooooo glad you’re deciding to follow this route.

    One of my favorite quotes, as a writer:

    “What we want is not more books about Christianity, but more books by Christians on other subjects.” – C.S. Lewis

    You go, girl.

  7. Kimberlie August 8, 2011 at 10:37 am #

    Hello Friend! So good to have you back!!!

    In a way, I can relate to your post. Way back when, in the stone age, when I had my Protestant conversion experience (as in I prayed the “Sinner’s Prayer”), I remember sitting around a dinner table with all these people “witnessing to me” and saying to them “but I like rock music, and I like alcohol, and I like dancing” etc and them saying “you don’t have to change a thing, Christ accepts you as you are.” However, the minute I became “one of them” they immediately started telling me I had to take away all those things because they were sinful. I even got chastised for wearing a sundress (it had straps!) to church because I might cause some man to lust after me and stumble in his faith. Sheesh!

    Becoming Catholic began the process for me of truly learning what “freedom in Christ” means. I have learned and continue to learn what parts of my old self I can pick back up because they were never truly sinful, and I can embrace them. I have also learned that I am truly a sinner but I have a wonderful sacrament that helps me get my relationship with God back in right order – truly, for real.

    And hey! I am waaaaayyyy older than you and I’ve been going through a bit of an identity crisis myself over the last 6 months. So I think it’s OK for your 21 yr old self to try to figure stuff out. Love the China babies thing – yes. Let me just put in a plug for marriage too because it really and truly is wonderful even if at times not perfect. Don’t give up on the idea just yet.

  8. Julie @ The Corner With A View August 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    In Catholicism specifically, we believe conversion is on-going. Our religion is a choice, every day, to follow Christ. We have to freely choose Christ. This means, when the period of excitement and anticipation is over, there is a lull and the most beautiful part of our faith is finding meaning outside the physical Church setting but not beyond the cross, which encapsulates our life. Life is sacramental! Show that through your life and your blog. I’ll be reading. 🙂

  9. Jamie McAdams August 10, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    Meh—your blog—you can write WHATEVER you want. And because it’s the internet your opinion becomes fact! YEA!

  10. Cléo August 18, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    I can relate to everything Kimberlie said. No dualism(s) needed anymore. The Church is big enough : )

  11. priests wife August 18, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    yay! You are blogging…and a blog will be what it wants to be- mine is very confused 😉

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