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The Secret Vatican Hit List: Conversions, boondock style.

16 Nov

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not so much on the stormy side. But it was still dark so it counts. I was conversing with Secret Agent Eli over a lukewarm, slightly stale plate of Chinese food. We were discussing politics, and I mentioned how dumb it was for Catholics to write off certain political commentary from Glenn Beck just because he was Mormon – even when the message itself was at the very minimum thought provoking. I reminisced about my early junior high days when I would sit in our driveway with Talk Radio 570 KLIF playing, taking eager notes and laughing gleefully over MorOn Trivia and Freak Jury (yes, I realize I am branding myself as a complete nerd, and exposing my hardcore Evil Conservative Upbringing) – my favorite time of year was Christmas when the Politically Correct Christmas Songs would air. I was such a Beckky that my sister wrote Glenn Beck when I graduated from high school and had him mail me an autographed poster.

If you are not steaming out of the ears by now or staring aghast at my idiocy, then please, by all means, continue reading.

It was in that moment, while breaking into a musty, soggy spring roll that I made an offhand comment –

“I’m going to add him to my Catholic hit list.”

Eli gave me a wary look – I had also just expressed an intense interest in studying Krav Magra, and recently watched The Boondock Saints for the first time, so the combination of these three things led him to half-way question my capacity for violence.

“My conversion hit list.” I amended.

Having assuaged my border-line Hauerwas-style Pacifist boyfriend’s mind  – although, though he’ll never admit it, he secretly MIGHT be okay with Glenn disappearing forever – he asked me to expound upon this delightfully violent sounding idea.

Through a series of lectio divina sessions that had transpired over the last week or so I have been compelled to do something specific for the conversion of certain people in my life. I won’t go into the details on this blog (until they convert!) because, quite frankly, it’s scary and difficult and almost-impossible and if there’s one thing my daddy taught me, it’s “Don’t share your dreams with people who’ll tell you it can’t be done”. But, that particular personal revelation inspired something else in me.

What if we spent a year praying for the influential people in our society?

Eli talked about it, and began to tongue-in-cheek make a “conversion hit list”. We made a list of every important person that personally shaped our families, our cultures, our media, and began to play a really awesome game of What-If?

What if Dr. Cho and his church converted to Catholicism and ALMOST 1,000,000 PEOPLE ENTERED THE CHURCH AT ONE TIME?

What if Brian and Bobbie Houston of Hillsong Church in Australia converted? With Darlene Zschech?


What if Barack Obama converted?

The names and the hypothetical situations flew. Almost four hours later we had the whole world Catholic, a unified church, liturgical reform, and no abortions to boot. I call that dating with purpose. (That’s a joke, ladies and gentlemen).

We wrote the names down, no matter how crazy or controversial, as we thought of them, and decided that no matter how long it took us (we calculated about 8 and a half years), we would dedicate 30 days of daily mass and prayer for each of the names. Yes, we are crazy.


I thought that other people might like to get in on the spiritual sniping too! We pared the list down to 100 (not counting our personal petitions), and decided to post an Open Mission for all you fellow Vatican agents out there. Here’s how this will work:

  1. Each month (or 30 day segment, however it works out) will be assigned 10 names.

  2. You can choose one name off the list as your target for the month.

  3. Attend Daily Mass with special intentions for your person that month.

  4. Leave it in the hands of God.

You can participate for just one month, or all ten months, or just pray for the people who are participating. We’re wanting to start in January. None of these people may ever step foot into a Catholic church for the rest of their life. They may die blaspheming the name of Christ with their dying breath. This isn’t some holy, Get-Catholics-Fast ponzi scheme. The jury’s out on whether or not it was whispered into our subconscious by the Almighty or just the brainchild of two overzealous converts. WE AREN’T CLAIMING DIVINE REVELATION, HERE. But really – since when has daily mass for the intention of conversions of souls been a bad idea??

Never, that’s when.

So what do you think? Is anyone interested in participating with us?